Do You Have a Family Media Policy?

(From the Archives, October 2015)

by Chris McGinnis, PhD, BCBA-D

Screens, screens, and more screens. Computer monitors, laptops, iPhones, iPads, movies, videogames - and that's just the kids.

In this age of ubiquitous electronic media, we all run the risk of getting too little sleep, not exercising enough, and forgetting that our spouses and children need more face time with us (and I don't mean the face time brought to you by the friendly folks over at Apple). Our children might have it worse, for they, unlike us, can't remember a world where if you were bored you'd hop on your bike and go find a friend around the neighborhood to play with. Much of their education, leisure time, and social lives are online, sometimes to their detriment. They know no differently. That's life in the electronic age.

Unless we take a countercultural stand and actually actively parent them through this new normal. Our kids need our leadership, not unfettered electronic playtime. They need to develop good habits, adequate spoken language and social skills, and a work ethic, to be in training for the day they leave our homes for college and beyond, when they must survive and hopefully thrive on their own.

We as adults can't go online unless we have purchased the electronic device, established and continue to pay for the service, established and continue to pay for the wifi signal, landed and continue to keep the job that allows us to pay for all of this, and completed all the chores that had to be done before we can take a minute and relax. What has your child done to earn his or her screen time today?

I regularly counsel striving for overall family life balance and earned screen time for our kids. Lots of things should take priority over screen time. We should protect time for sleep, homework, and daily family time. Our kids also need exercise each day.

As for sleep, our four year olds need 11 hours per night, our ten year olds need 10 hours, and our seventeen year olds need 9 hours. That's being asleep, not just being in bed.

For homework, our elementary-age children should have about 30 minutes of reading and 30 minutes of old-fashioned sit-down homework to do each day, while our middle- and high-school age children should have between one and two hours of homework and studying each day. If you are in doubt about your child's homework load, just ask his or her teacher what should be expected so you can enforce it.

Family time, with no distractions - just people hanging out and looking and talking to each other - should be at least ten minutes of your day and hopefully an hour or more, especially over dinnertime. Don't forget to BE a family before it's too late. The annual trip to Disney really doesn't do it.

For daily exercise, I recommend at least an hour of physical movement that gets the heart beating faster, and no more than an hour or two of inactivity at a time unless of course it's after bedtime.

Our children should earn their daily screen time by having been and continuing to be good citizens today, meaning that they have independently (without our help or reminders) completed their chores and homework, they consistently make it easy for us to be the unchallenged leader of the family, and they follow the Golden Rule with their siblings and other children. We have our jobs, they have their jobs, and that is their job: to be consistently and increasingly independent, respectful, and helpful.

How much screen time is too much, provided that our kids are getting enough sleep and exercise and they have proven to be good citizens today?

The American Academy of Pediatrics since 2011 has argued for NO screen time for those under two years of age and a limit of two hours for those three years old and older. However, this month the AAP has signaled that it - and its recommendations - are getting hipper to the idea that our little ones can benefit from certain educational apps and that our tweens and teens can have a whole healthy and rewarding social life online. Their October 2015 AAP News suggests among other things an increasing acceptance that "media is just another environment", "content matters", and "it's okay for your teen to be online". All that said, I recommend that instead of time-based guidelines, priority-based and safety-based guidelines are preferred.

Regarding those safety-based guidelines, we must monitor our children's online life just as we do their sidewalk life. I encourage parents to announce as early as possible in their children's lives that privacy should not be assumed and that you will be monitoring everything, because our primary job in life is to maintain their safety and welfare while knowing that kids will be kids. If we say this early and with love, they should not be upset about it, they should feel safer, and they will likely engage in much less risky online activities particularly if we also proactively and routinely review our expectations for their online behavior.

If your teen tries to lock you out of her electronic life, don't threaten anything - simply announce that her electronic life is suspended until further notice. Until trust flows both ways, there can be no screen time. Don't let "I'm sorry" escape your lips either - it was her fault, not yours, but redemption will be made available soon. Maybe tomorrow's the day. We'll see.

Routinely shut off the wifi signal at bedtime and maintain a family charging station in the master bedroom until the device is earned the next day. With good sleep health in mind, under no circumstances should any child or teen have access to electronic devices overnight. Your kid says he needs the iPhone as his morning alarm? Hand him a $10 old-fashioned alarm clock, cheerfully say you're welcome, and walk away.

Lead your family. Raise your kids based on unwavering principles and priorities. And when it comes to screen time, I hope these considerations for a family media policy are helpful to you in your endeavors.

Dr. Chris McGinnis is a family psychologist in private practice based in Jupiter, Florida. His website is www.mcginnisbehavioral.com.